Written by: Allie Menzione
Artwork by: Jack Einhorn
Scary Haunted House Idea:
A Room Full of Relatives Asking About Your Plans after Graduation
For a 20-something in college there is nothing worse than stepping into a room full of relatives, family-friends, beady-eyed vultures- what have you, and making small talk for an entire night. Holiday parties are fun when you’re 0-17 and 30-100, anything in-between and you’ve stepped into the gray area of young adulthood and are now everyone’s favorite person to chat up relentlessly. Let’s face it guys, the days of playing games with the cousins, latching on to our parents when we get sleepy, and sitting at the once beloved kids’ table are officially over. Okay maybe we still do that last one (the kids table is where it’s at, at least no one is talking about ObamaCare).
If you’re anything like me you probably find yourself prepping generic responses for the vapid conversation you’ll be holding with each of your favorite relatives. Like the one who hasn’t seen you since you were “this big” *holds hand up to the exact height you were approximately 9 years and 83 days ago*. Don’t you remember???
We all know the drill. How’s school? –Great! Love it! What are your plans for next year? –Uh well, still working on it! Any boyfriends yet? –Ha-Ha alright shut up Uncle Jeff you know we’re friends on Facebook, now you’re just being rude.
This only gets increasingly worse when you step into Senior Year territory, a treacherous and horrifying place for those who don’t have every moment of their life planned out for the next 37 years. And if you do so happen to have your life planned out for the next 37 years, please seek help immediately-you’re scaring the kids (AKA me).
From here the line of questioning shifts from the relatively harmless “how’s school” to CIA interrogation techniques I’m pretty sure are classified up there with waterboarding.
“So! What’s your five year plan/job for the rest of your life/are you getting married anytime soon/have you frozen your eggs just in case you end up alone forever/have you established a line of credit/what exact shade of blue is the shirt you’ll be wearing on your first day of work?”
And just when you think you’re done and it’s safe to scurry off to the food and ignore everyone because “sorfry mm chuwng”, the avalanche of advice starts. Because everyone in the room has suddenly become an expert (or has a friend who has a daughter who…) on your major and future career.
At this point in the evening is where I find it most effective to sit with a drink in my hand, smile and nod every 5.2 seconds, and sip generously every time someone says “once you graduate” –repeat until drunk.
Pie helps, too.